This is My Story

I was born on 9th of December 1986(Gregorian calendar) or 7 Rabi' Al-Akhir 1407 (Hijri calendar). That day was Tuesday at 12.55 am. I was the first child in the family. So, I bet I was loved by everyone at that time by my parents and grandparents. My mum was the only daughter-in-law that my granddad like. So I was quite a favorite granddaughter in my dad's side. My brother was the favorite grandson loved by my granddad even though he was the 10th grandson in the family. His face also look a lot like my granddad, so I thought that must be the reason too.

My brother and I was born in Kuantan since my dad had been transferred there from Singapore(He's a Malaysian Navy). I don't know how was my family life at that time since at that time I was so small. I don't think I have the ability to think at that time. When I was 2, our family moved to Penang because my dad wanted to live near his parents.

I think that was when everything started to go wrong. My mum said after my youngest sister was born, he started to change slowly. I think the last thing that I remembered when I was a kid, was when I was almost 3. I still remember the house that we were living at that time, the time when I was playing with my brother. But I don't think I have the ability to think yet. When I was 3+, our family moved again, but not so far from our previous house. At this time, I'd started to process all the info although not quite effectively(start to have my own thinking).

After that, I realize my life is started to change for worst. My dad rarely came back home. He loves to go back to my grandparents house(island side). Sometimes, he stayed in the camp(Butterworth). My mum did not mind much exactly. Then, I always saw my mum crying after her pray. I knew she must have cried because of my dad. I knew my dad is doing something bad behind her. I just keep silent, I did not ask my mum anything. She's sad, so I shouldn't ask her anything to make her sadness worst. She wouldn't expect me, a 4 years old kid to understand her problem.
Even though I really understand her problem. I did not say a thing to my siblings. They are too small to understand(I am 1 y & 4 m older than my brother and 2 y & 8 m older than my sister).

When my dad came back home, I was really happy because I feel everything is normal. I entered kindergarten later than I supposed to. I only managed to learn in kindergarten for 7-8 months. Then, the next year I was in Year 1. So, I am not smart enough to enter a good class. I was placed in the fifth class(over fifth). My life goes on as a child with a problematic family life.

My mum continue to cry and my dad did not came back home more often. Sometimes once in a week and sometimes, a few time in a month. But I never mixed up my family problem with school. I was very talkative in class, a happy girl who always laugh and loves to play. When I was in Year 3, I managed to climbed to the second class. I even got a hundred for English paper(English is always the hardest paper to score among us), I was one of the top students in class and I have a lot of friends.
Among my teacher, I was well-known as a good kid.
I had involved myself in a fight with a girl friend. Until now, I don't remember what is the reason of the fight. I was not a kind of girl who loves to argue or fight. I prefer life to be at peace. My teacher who listen to the fight, came and try to stop it since my friend was so emotional. She ask us to forgive each other. So, I said I'll forgive her but I did not know why she didn't want to. But a few days after that, we're like our normal days; playing with each other. Kids are funny...

Next year, I was in Year 4. And guess what? I was in the first class.
At that time, my dad hardly came back home. I hardly sees him once in a month.
My brother, my sister and I had already get used to his absence. We act normal, as if it is not a big matter for us. My sister did not have any problem with school. She's even smarter than me. My brother... he really loves to play. He was a smart kid actually only he was so playful.

When I was in Year 6, studies became something really serious because we had an official exam. I did not perform well during the trial. I am not really hardworking to revise the studies. My hobby is reading books and watching the television. I always sleep late at night because i love to watch the TV. My mum always scold me because I did that almost every night. After having our UPSR, we have our End-of-Year Examination. It was really tiring for me. My End-of-Year Examination result was so-so. Got a few A's. In Nov, the UPSR result came out and I got 4A's and 1 B. That B was for my Maths, though in my End-of-Year Exam I got 90 for Maths. But, that's ok. I was already satisfied with the result.

Next year, I was sent to a secondary school not near my house. My dad was the one who sent me to school at that time. I hope he was happy because that school is a good school. And I am really glad and proud because I have my dad who sent me to the school. I feel like I was normal like the others. That year, 1999, the fasting month fell on February. So, we have to fast during school time and it was quite tiring.
Raya fell on somewhere in March if I was not mistaken. That raya, we did not went back to my grandparents house(dad's side). My dad wanted to have that raya at our own house. So, he asked my mum to cook some special dish that raya morning. At early in the morning, he went for Raya's pray. My mum was busy preparing the food for him and my brother and my sis has gone to collect duit raya.
It was already 10 am and I dont't feel good. I was waiting and waiting for my dad, but I wondered how long can Raya's pray been? That day, my dad did not came back home. My mum said, probably my dad went to my grandparents house. But, I don't feel it that way. Know what? That day, on the first Syawal was the last day I saw my dad. He never came back after that. Never...
A week, a month, a few months...
He never act like that before. Even though he only came back home once in a while, but he never left us in a few month.

Me and and my siblings continued our life like we never care whether my dad is with us or not. But I know in their heart, they would like to ask why our dad did not come back home. We grew up, we studied, we played like there's nothing happen in our family. Even after a few years past, we never make that matter is the thing that should stop us from doing anything. But,honestly, i really pity my brother and my sister since they were just a kid when my dad left us. I was 13, my brother was 11 and my sister was 10.
In my heart, i really wanted to ask my dad why did he left us. I still remember, after he had left us, there were a few times in my dream, I dreamt about him. I dreamt that my dad came back to us. In the dream I was really happy because he was back and I can tell everyone in the world, I do have a dad. But, shortly after that, I woke up and in disbelief, I realized it was only a dream.
It was just a stupid dream.
An untrue dream.
But, at that time, I feel like I would do anything to make that dream come true.
Sometimes, my brother or my sister also said they have a dream like that.
And I know, even though they did not tell me, they also miss our dad.
For years, we live without a single love from a father. Not just love, we did not even have a chance to look at the face of our father while we are growing up.
In my heart, that only god knows, I did not ask much. I just wish for a normal family like other people have. I wanted to have a dad like everyone have.
I love my dad, as much as I love my mum.
Sometimes, I asked myself. Does my dad really loves us? If he loves us, why did he leave us. I really wanted to ask him that question.
I just want him to be with us. I wanted to have a normal family just like everyone else have. I wanted my dad to be with us as one. I wanted to feel how was it like to have a father, to be loved by a father, to be a normal daughter with a father...