It's Almost The End...

Finished writing my report last Thursday and I'm going to have my VIVA this Thursday.
Oh, I went back to Johor last Tuesday because my mum did not feel good and she wanted to see me.
Well, I hadn't gone back to Johor since July, maybe mummy miss me so much.
I didn't write anything on this blog almost a month.
I was quite occupied this November and I feel like there are still many things that I left without being done.
My mind can't concentrate on many things at one time and I will end up blow everything away.
At the moment my mind is thinking about VIVA and also my mummy.
Worried about her very much.
She looks very weak when I came back this time.
But she was so stubborn and put a strict diet on herself.
I know gout patient had many restriction on their diet.
They can't eat sea-foods, potatoes, beans, corn, yeast, red meat, animals organ, soy, etc..
And recently, she had lost her appetite.
I bet she's tired with her daily food; rice, vege and fish and some fruits.
The way she cooked the food, I bet normal person can gone nuts if they eat it after a day.
She just had to be creative with her foods.
That's what I thought.
I can't wait to go back to Johor again and be mummy's maid.
This time, let me cooked all her food.
I hope she will gain her appetite back.
How can she be strong if she don't eat.
Gout patients can't have a feast nor they can fast.
My VIVA...hmmm...
Just hope God will help me.
I'll try my best to present in the best way.

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Back to my old place...

Kota Bharu was a so-so place to live. A bit busy than Kubang Kerian. Easy to go and buy things and near the shopping center but that did not mean any thing to me.
Since I did not enjoy my time as a student...

Kubang Kerian was a great place to live and I enjoyed my time there.
Though it was only 3 months there but I managed to get to know a lot of people there.
Learn about human and learn about life...

But now, I'm back to the old place; Machang.
Love to be back here again...
I love this place as much as I love Sri Iskandar.
It was so much fun here and i feel like I'm a student again. Though I already finish my credit hours for my course.
Well, I'm going to spend the whole 1 month here and I hope I will enjoy my time here.
I feel safe here since I'm surrounded by the university and the students and the pak guard(as if the pak guard can come to my house if anything happen. well, of course they won't come).
But I already feel safe enough.
Well, this whole one month, I can't enjoy it to the fullest.
Since I have to finish my report writing, without having to worry about exams.
I just hope I can finish it on time and I could do a great presentation next month, 16 Sept 2009.
Everybody, do wish me the best...

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Time, wait for me....

Time is moving so fast until I can't even feel a day.
Days past like hours, hours past like minutes and minutes past like seconds...
And I'm getting old without realizing it.

I really wish I had used all the time past usefully.
But I don't think I had spent it in that way.

Still remember my childhood time, when I went to the kindergarten, then to primary school, then to secondary school, diploma in Perak, Degree in Kelantan, and now having my industrial training in HUSM.
In a few more days, I'm going to finish my industrial training.
There goes another moment in my life...
In a month, I'm going to finish my Degree and there goes my Degree moment.
Oh, how I wish I could slow down the time, so that i could enjoy the life to the fullest.

If only I have the chance, I would want to turn back time.
It's just like the song by Aqua-'If only I could I turn back time'

I do wish I could turn the time back and go to the moments that made me feel happy, or go to the moments that I did stupid thing and acted foolishly and correct everything back.

But I know I am not able to do all that.
So, I really think that I should just go on with what I have now and what I have in the past.

I just hope everything will be fine for me though in my heart I know that something will happen to me; something that I don't like of course.
I just hope that, when that things occur, I will be strong enough to face it and God will always be with me.

Goodbye unfavorable past time and please don't hunt me in the future.
Goodbye good and sweet past time and you will always remain in my heart.

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I want to be happy...

This girl that is writing all these words at the moment, is a girl who always get involved in a lot of troubles.
Yes, that's me.
I always have many problems at one time.
Though sometimes, I am very scared to face each problem but in order to make my heart feel better, I would tell myself that everything is going to be okay.
Actually, I am too scared to face each one of them because I feel like I want to die when I have a problem.
I easily get worried over one thing.
Thank God, there are always friends around me who would kindly make me feel better.

Almost get used being in trouble, I'd noticed that the way I deal with each problem is always the same.
Don't you think, that being in trouble or having a problem is a normal thing in your life?
My way, I would act like nothing had happen but sometime in a day, there would be a time I would think hardly on how to solve the problem. And at that time, my face would look so serious and I would not talk much.
Me, stop talking? Can't you imagine?
Sounds funny, but that's the fact.

Usually, there would be one or two songs that I would choose, to make myself fell better or to motivate myself back.
Being in trouble would sometimes make me demotivated.
Thus, I need something to fill my energy.
Well, this time, my song for my problem is both from Savage Garden.
I'm a great fan of them since I was 10 or 11 years old.
Their songs are very good.

This is Crash and Burn song

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
Its hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you cant take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
Youre caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you cant face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

And there has always been heartache and pain
And when its over youll breathe again
Youll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump Ill break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
Youre not alone

Nice isn't it?
Especially when I feel really alone by myself.
Makes me feel much better...

Another one is The Animal Song

I've been having difficulties keeping to myself
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

Sometimes this life can get you down
It's so confusing
There's so many rules to follow
And I feel it
'Cause I just run away in my mind

Superstars and cannonballs are running through your head
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide

This is just part of the lyric.
Oh, how I feel much better...

That is why, people usually did not notice that I am exactly in a sorrow.
I try my best to hide my feeling.
I wanted the most to be happy at all time but what can I do since there's always problem awaits for me even in the future.

Don't you think that feeling happy is the best thing that could happen in life?

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Good bye...

Thanks to God, for helping me to escape from the sadness.
Though I am not as happy as usual, but at least I feel better.

Though I am still puzzled at the moment but at least there are good friends who are always with me. They are supporting me when I was really weak I can't even look at my own reflection. They feel what I felt and I feel like my sadness has been divided among us, thus making me feel much better.

It's sad for me when a good story end. But it is also sad when people who are important to me are far away from me. My family is a thousand miles away from me, and I miss them so much but I just keep it to myself. Because if I started thinking that I miss them and how I wish I could be with them, surely I will cry at that moment.
Since it is impossible for me to cry at the moment in this office; where there are many people around me, I really think i should stop missing them for a while.
But in about 6 weeks, I can see them again, because I will go back to Johor.

My best friend, Izyan, is going back this Tuesday to Selangor.
And I'm going to miss her too. She was such a good friend. One of the best that I've ever met. She was the one who protected me from my enemy though she was not so strong. She's very phlegmatic but she can't bare to see my enemy bullied me.
Isn't it funny?

My housemate, kak Siti, she loves to tease me. She really thinks that the way I talk is weird. She was such a nice friend and I know her since I was in my diploma. She always help me in times of need and her family was so nice when I went to her house during raya. In about that 6 weeks, I will leave her and go back to my family.
So, that means, another good bye to be said.

Don't you think it's sad when those 'Good bye' words are said?
We do not know when we will meet again with those people that we said good bye to.
And we are going to miss them and feel really sad when we want to leave them.
We wanted to cry when we say those word but we do not want the people that we said good bye to, know that we are sad.
We wanted to cry the moment we leave them and we try to calm our heart and said to ourselves that we are going to be okay and the people we said good bye to will also be okay.

In another words, a good bye will always lead to the feeling of missing.
I really wish, I would not need to say those words.
Because if I started to miss anyone, I will surely cry.
And because I hate to cry, I don't want to miss anyone.
But I keep missing people who are far away from me so I acted like I am strong but exactly I am so damn weak.

In this life, what I needed the most apart from God, is my family and my friends.
How I love them so much and how I value them in my life.
To all of them, thank you so much for everything you had done for me and how I wish I could repay what all of you had done for me.
And how I wish to be with all of you every time and every second in my thought.

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My best friend is sleeping and I start crying.
I don't want to cry but tears keep coming out.
My heart is in pain.
So painful, I feel like dying at the moment.
I never feel sad like this before.
I want to feel happy and ignore this despair feeling.
But I am not that strong to resist it.
I feel like I had lost everything in my life.
I don't dare to cry in front of anyone.
But having this awful feeling and crying all alone by myself is the most awful feeling anyone could ever imagine.
My heart feels like someone is cutting it into pieces.
It is so painful but I can't share it with anyone.
There's only God who can save me from this unhappiness.
I really wanted to cry on someone shoulder but I don't want anyone to know that I'm sad.
I can't tell anyone about it and it makes me feel like I lost my breath.
I feel like.........
I have lost my words.
I should stop writing.
And I should stop crying.
I wish, I'll be able to forget everything that happened today and start a new life tomorrow; if only I can do that...

24/9/2009 2244 hour

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...............................

Cvpincess, remember you wished me so that I'll be happy soon?
I really feel glad because not many people ever wish me that kind of wish.
Reading your message, I pray to God, so that I will be happy soon.
I really think you are such a nice person, though I hardly know you.
Well, you know what?
That wish did not come true yet.
Sadly, it isn't.
Because you know why?
I feel much more sad than the sadness that I felt on the other day.
Yes, it's true. I feel so damn sad, I can't expressed it by words.
I have my best friend with me. Share with her the sad thing.
She was a super great friend; a great listener, very sympathetic, always gave me support but I did not dare to cry in front of her.
I really wanted to cry but I can't.

Because my heart is bleeding and it pains me so much, until I can't speak.
Before this,I only feel sad and lonely...
But today, not only I feel sad and lonely, but I also feel very disappointed.
Really disappointed...
I feel like running away and cry as much as I like.
My heart is in pain and my head feel like exploding.
I don't know what should I do to make my heart feel better.
Oh, tears, please don't come out.
You can't come out now, I have my best friend beside me and I can't let her see me crying.
Please don't come out....

Maybe because people think of me as if I am still a kid.
Maybe they really looked down on me.
And they misunderstood me.
I just want to be everyone's friend.
Is it wrong?
In life, we did not only search for our love partner but we also search for our best friends.
People who we can share our problems with.
People who we can rely on when we are in trouble.
People who can make us feel happy when we are lonely.
People who care when we feel ignored.
People who lend their shoulder when we are sad.

Everything around me seems hard to understand.
The world seems to me like a puzzle of million pieces.
I always get confused over times; sadly a lot of time.
No one really care to explain to me.
And I get more confused and sad because everyone seems to ignore my questions.
I am a silly girl trapped in a world full of complicated things.
I can't understand a thing though I really want to learn something.
Why is it, people around me disappoint me often?
Am I really that bad?
I never looked down on any one and I never try to misunderstand anyone.
Because I know, how sad it is when people sees you like that.

I am tired of this sad feeling, this disappointment feeling, this misunderstand feeling, this looked down feeling, this sensitive feeling, all of these feeling.
I want to feel happy and smile like I always do when I was a kid; when I read good books and when I played with my siblings.

Thank God, at least my best friend is here with me.
At least, I would not feel lonely until next week.
I don't know what else I should do to make me happy again.
And plus, I am sick because of all these thing.
I wanted to feel better and I want to be normal back.
I wanted to be my old self.
It's okay even if there's a few people who dislike me or think bad about me.
I'm really sorry if I make them unhappy.
But I really hope they'll be happy just like how I wish I will be happy someday.
My tears are coming out.
Don't cry Hidayah.....

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