My mum said, since I was a baby I did not gave her much trouble.I rarely cry and I was never scared to meet new people.
She also said I was always a good kid; I'll follow what my mum told me and I was always being bullied by my brother.
And mum also said, people often mistook me as a Chinese girl. But I don't think so. Well, maybe because I have small eyes. (My eyes were even smaller when I was little)
On the other hand, people usually mistook my brother as a girl.
Only my little sister looks a bit different from us. Since she is not as fair as both of us and plus, she has a big, round eyes.
We were very closed with each other since we were little.
Our relationships are more like friends than siblings.
Though I never tell them, but I love them so much even until at this moment.
I always cried when I was little because my brother and my sister were always bullying me.
I don't like to fight or argue. I prefer life to be at peace.
Even though they always bullied me, but we love each other very much(but, not any one of us ever said it).
Since I was little, I love to read books.
After being able to read when I was 7, I read a lot of books.
Reading books make me feel happy and calm.
When reading a book, the saddest thing for me is when I was reading at the last page of the book. I hate the story to end because I wanted to read more. Especially if the book was a good book. It is sad when a good story end because you can't read more.
I was a kid with high curiosity. I wanted to know about a lot of things. I usually curious on how things work. Just by watching TV can let many questions to arise. Like, "I wonder how can the pictures or the movie being filmed if there are no camera inside the TV?(since I had looked inside the TV when our TV broke down, once)".
I love to look at the nature. I love green woods and I love to look at animals.
I love cats so much that I can't live without a day if I don't play with one.
When I felt sad, I will tell my cat because I think my cat understand me better than anyone else(Sometimes, I even tell it my problem. Hahaha...). My dad, my brother, my sister and I love cat very much. Only my mum disliked to have cats around the house.
Cat is also one of the thing that gets my attention. I was very curious about cat's fur, paws, why did cats purr and so on.
And there were many other things that made me puzzled and confused since I was little. But I never ask my mum for the answer(I just don't know why, but I was really sure that she can't give me the answer).
One of the things that attracted me the most is the sky; the night sky. For me, night sky is very mysterious. I love to look at the stars and the moon(Sometimes, I even thought that maybe I could see an alien spaceship if I watch the sky closely). I can spent hours looking at it without feeling tired and it makes me feel the existence of God.
It was the most beautiful sight for me to see.
I have a lot of questions to ask since I was little but I did not ask anyone for the answer; I find it myself by reading books.
I think of it as a fun process.
You don't know something, then you have to find for it.
Since space is one of my highest interest, it is not surprising how I fell in love with Isaac Asimovs' books.
But I never thought gaining knowledge as something you could be addicted to.
The more I read, the more I wanted to know about other things.
As I grew up, I realized that I was addicted to books and knowledge.
It's funny how I only realized that matter only when I was taking my degree.
Until I was 12, the material that I read was only in Malay; I don't like English books. I like English but I think I am not good enough to read something in English.
I did obtained an A for my English exam in UPSR. But it doesn't mean that I am ready.
When I was in secondary school, I never thought English paper can be so tough.
In the Mid-Year Exam, I got 52% for English. That's a D in my school.
I was really disappointed in myself for having that bad result.
After having that bad result, I started to befriend with my Chinese and Indian friends.
I didn't have any specific reason to be closed with them. But I really enjoyed to be their friend. I started to speak in English, I started to share reading materials with them(they love to read English teenagers novels) and listen to English songs.
I don't like novels very much so I started to borrow English books from the library. I continued to enjoy reading books, only it was so much better than before; I was able to choose a wide range of books, both English and Malay!
3-4 months of doing that, in my Final Year Examination, unbelievably I got 76%-B for my English! I was very happy with the improvement. It was a step that change my life forever. My English marks were getting better from year to year. How can anyone not agree with me that reading is a miracle that could change your life?
But I really think, reading alone is not sufficient enough to master any language.
You read and you use it, but you must also write something in that language.
I started to write my own journal(Malay) since I was 11, though not quite seriously. But it is better than did not write at all.
I started to write seriously when I was in secondary school(Malay & English).
But I started to write really seriously when I was in University(Mostly in English).
You know... When you are far away from your family, and you fell in love for the first time in your life, and you had to meet and face different kinds of people, you could be depressed and confused at times.
That's when I wrote my journal really seriously; almost everyday.
It really makes me feel better since I can't share the sadness with anyone.
I can't tell my mum because I don't want her to be worried about me.
It's the first time in my whole life I have been away from my family.
I lost 10 kilos in the first week at the University. I was sick for a month and I spent RM1500 during the 4 month in 1st semester just for my phone prepaid.
The first month at the University, I felt like it's going to be a disaster. But as time went by, I enjoyed the life at the University. Never thought living in a hostel could be so much fun. I made a lot of new friends, I learn many new things, I discovered a new hobby; shopping and I became mature without knowing it.
In the first semester, my favorite class was English class. We have a lot of activities in that class. The lecturer was really nice. I was the only student who obtained an A for that paper. Maybe because I enjoyed the class too much.
During the second semester, English was still my favorite class. And this time we have 2 lecturers that taught us.
One is very strict, and the other one is very motherly.
However, the strict lecturer likes me a lot. She always gave me praises until I blushed. She said that she wants her student to be active and participative in class. She didn't want her student to just sit in the class and listen to what she was teaching or saying. Since I was very talkative and active in class, she said that she wanted all of my friends to be like me. Can you imagine how I blushed at that moment? Well, you can call me a lecturer's pet or what, but one thing that I am very sure, that is and always me(I did not pretend to make her likes me).
The other lecturer, the very-like-mother is also one of the nicest lecturer that I have ever met. I was very 'manja' with her. I always went to her room when I have free time. She was very caring and nice. Even until I was in my final year, I will still went to her room to see her.
Both of the lecturers gave me an A for that paper and I was still the only student who obtained an A for that paper.
There are many more lecturers that were nice and interesting but I don't think I'll be able write the experience being their student in a short time.
I had a boyfriend when I was in the second semester. He was actually my senior.
The first time I met him was when there's a meeting between the new students and the club committee. I was the new student(1st semester) and he was the club committee. The next day, I was late to class and since I was a new student, I had problem in finding the class. Then, I saw him. He was waiting in front of my class. I remembered him since it was just the previous night I'd saw him. He greeted me and said "Hidayah, is it?". So I said yes. He asked me my number and I was confused. Since I was already late for class and thinking that he's my senior in the committee, I gave it without thinking much.
Since then, he called me almost every night and kindly helped when I had problem. Really nice and caring but I don't have any feeling for him. I was quite shocked when my friend told me about his feeling. He consulted my friend, asking what should he do since he can't sleep for nights remembering me. I never had any experienced in things like that. So, I said to him why don't we just be friend and let time decides what will happen.
Only when I was in 2nd semester, I accepted his feeling.
But I broke up with him when I was in my 3rd semester.
Yes, I was cruel for leaving him but I did not leave him for other guy.
It's just that he can't handled his studies problem. My result is getting better while his result is going way too down. I was really disappointed not because of his result but because he did not want to listen to my advises. I even sacrificed my own study time to teach him but looked like he did not appreciate my help and advises.
Don't you think 1.09 is really too much with all the things that I have done for him?
So, I left him with full of disappointment.
That's how my first love end. And it is not sad at all.
I don't really mind being single;without a lover.
I can live without a lover but I can't live without good friends.
I value a friend very much, especially if that friend is really nice towards me.
Many people can be your friend but not many can be your good and close friends.
But that doesn't mean that I am not serious in a relationship.
Honestly, I have fell in love twice in my life and almost fell in love, once.
But I had learn my lesson from all the experience.
It had taught me how to handle my feeling and what to do when I fell in love.
For me, falling in love is a critical period.
You may not understand why did I said that.
It is probably the best time in any human' life to be in love; but not for me.
When I fall in love, my ego level will be at peak.
I will never show that person that I love him.
I will usually stay away from that person.
I will be the most stupid, the most silly and foolish person in the world.
Though I did not show the feeling but I would do anything for the person that I love without him noticing it.
Love is a painful feeling for me.
It will really kills me every time I feel it.
My heart will feel like someone is cutting it into pieces.
So, in another words, I hate to fall in love.
I can't stand the pain and I can't let myself become silly.
Enough with the love thingy, I think.
Sorry if any one of you do not feel like agreeing with my opinion since different people have different thought about the same thing.
You know what? I really think, we are what were and are around us.
Our habit, our taste, our sensitivity, our attitude, bla..bla..bla.. had been developed by our surrounding.
I don't know if it was not for other people but I really think that quote is true for me.
We may say someone as stingy, stubborn, nice and so on. But have we ever ask ourselves, why do some people have certain attitudes.
I believe that I am what are or were around me.
Many of friends said that I am straight, naive, too nice until I can help people that hate me and some other attitudes.
I became naive and straight since I learn many morals and good values from stories that I read in books. I tend to be like what the books said to be good. In other words, I had been influenced by stories in the books.
It's really funny how it sound.
Many of friends will usually laughed at my naive and straight personality.
They really think it's weird for a girl my age who couldn't even twist my mind. This usually happen when they make jokes or using parable words to describe something else(Which usually will let me puzzled by myself).
My business friends said that I have sanguine personality.
I really think what they said is true.
But I also have a strong phlegmatic personality.
One of my friend did not believe when I said I have strong phlegmatic personality. Maybe because he think that I am really sanguine.
No matter it is a sanguine, melancholic,phlegmatic or choleric, all of the personality were not developed since we were in our mother's womb.
So, I believe people can change their personality if they try.
Of course, from a-not-good personality to a better one.
I also wanted to change some of my attitude or some of my characteristics.
I wanted to be more mature.
I wanted to reduce the phlegmatic characteristics since I'm tired of following what other people want me to do.
I wanted to be less talkative n have more thoughts.
I want to think first before I talk because I usually regret what I had said(It really makes me feel down and disappointed).
I wanted to be less straight and naive because I don't want to be fooled by anyone.
I don't want to cry often, because I'm tired of being hurt and feeling very sensitive.
I am a person with so many weaknesses and I'm trying hard to be better(if only everyone know how hard I am trying to overcome my weaknesses so that everyone will like me).
The best thing in life is when you are love by everyone, not because you are pretty or look good or have a lot of money; but because of your characteristics and your attitudes.
Because I have a sanguine personality, thus, I love attentions.
I love when people care about me, when people are being nice to me, when they want to be close with me and things like that.
I don't actually know how to hate people(but I did ever stay away from a few people, not because I hate them, I just don't want to see them).
So, it is very sad for me when someone hate me.
It is hard to make everyone satisfied, but I had try my best to make it happen.
But seems like I had to try harder.
This post is getting longer everyday since I add something almost everyday.
I wonder if I could write a book someday.
It's really fun to write but I don't know how can I be able to write a book with hundred of pages. It almost sound impossible for me.
But, maybe I could try someday; find an interesting title and hopefully I have tons of idea to write on that title. Hahaha...
Being in the office, writing all these (while on the other hand, I have a project that I should finish), hearing the raya song played by someone in the office, I don't feel like enjoying the raya.
Seriously, no raya spirit...
Because I pity the reader, I'll end up the writing for the title 'Growing Up'.
Hihi..
You can't expect me to continue telling you stories about how I grew up until years to come.
But before that, there's something I wanted to write...
Sometimes I wonder whether, this almost-23-years-old-girl has already grown up.
I don't know the answer...
My mum still treat me like I was still a kid.
My brother still keep bullying me though not so often.
I'm still curious about a lot of thing.
I, myself never thought that I have already grow up.
In another words, I don't think myself now differ a lot from myself when I was still a kid.
It's a lie if there is no different at all, but I think the different is not much.
But the small difference is what making me grew up until at this moment; it's experience and learning to be mature.
Well, maybe I have grow up in some sort of way and still a child in another way.
Honestly, I have this one wish since I was a child.
Want to know what it is?
Hmm... I have always wish I will never be a grown up person; I wanted to be a kid forever.
Maybe that wish did come true in some sort of way.
God, thank you very much for everything that You have gave me...
I'll never add again on this topic...
Read more...
